June | Ninth | 2018
I think it’s about time that I tell the truth. The truth about why I have been absent from the blog portion of my website for over 2 years.
Yikes! How has it possibly been that long? I created this website as place to help inspire others that also experience the daily struggle of living with Type 1 Diabetes. My initial thought was to say –
“Look at me. See how well I am doing…you can do it too!”
Well, what happens when you’re not doing so well? What happens when life throws you a curve ball that you didn’t see coming and you’re not prepared to catch it? Like, you’re not even in the right position on the field and you left your glove on the bench and there is a 90mph fastball headed your way, not ready?
That was me in early 2016 and I couldn’t cope. While I can’t say what caused the curve ball. I know that for the first time since my diagnosis, I had a chance to stop and think about my illness and what it would entail for the rest of my life. Right after my diagnosis I attended 4 years of college, graduated, got married and entered the workforce. In all that time I never stopped to think and really cope with my diagnosis.
At the end of 2015 my husband, Britton or Britt as he likes to be called, and I moved across the country (from Los Angles, CA to Clearwater Beach, FL) and with that change, I was finally able to stop and reflect on it all. Instead of allowing that opportunity to propel myself forward…
I did the opposite.
I increased my self-doubt, self-deprecation and self-pity and I couldn’t stop asking myself, “why me?” After I’d feel all those feelings and think those thoughts, I would hate myself even more. Here I am with a chronic illness that IS manageable and I am complaining and feeling sorry for what my future looks like. At least I have an option for a life ahead…some people are not that lucky.
All of that thinking, and that’s all it was – THINKING – resulted in my most difficult 2 years of diabetes. My [blood sugar] highs were incredibly high, 300-400 was not uncommon (your numbers should be between 80-120), and my lows were scary enough that Britt didn’t feel comfortable leaving me overnight.
Numbers like that take a toll on your body and especially on your mind. Looking back now, I can clearly see that my mind was in a permanent fog and I struggled daily to be productive and a proactive member of society. I was able to get the things I needed to done, but with extreme effort, and the little amount of energy I had left in the tank was quickly depleted.
Needless to say, I was in no shape to be “Sugarcoating life with T1D” and I felt like a fraud.
It took 2 years, guys. I gave up two years of my life to this type of self-doubt and self-pity. Looking back now it feels like such a waste of a precious opportunity to do more, be better and succeed.
How did I let this happen?
I think it’s important to note that I had plenty of help and encouragement from my husband. He never once left my side through the lows and the highs and he continued to advise me on how to do better, but never with an ounce of impatience or harshness. I can’t image the effort that took from him, because he is a doer and fixer. When he sees a problem he doesn’t hesitate to tackle it head on.
But the thing is…I created this Diabetes Burnout and only I could make the conscious effort to come out of it. Now, you might be wondering what did it for me? What FINALLY forced the change?
The answer is simple. A baby.
We had been married for 6 years at this point and I told Britt, I think we should start trying and he looked me straight in the eyes and said something that both shocked and successfully WOKE ME UP.
He told me, “honestly, I don’t feel comfortable with you getting pregnant with the little amount of [diabetes] control you have right now. I don’t think your body could handle a pregnancy without damaging side effects to you or the baby.” I was shocked! What do you mean? I can handle it and so can my body, all my doctors assured me of this.
But as I stopped and really let what he said sink in – I knew he was right.
His next statement was what really brought me to the truth. He continued, “what happens after the baby is born and you have such a high, high that you’re physically sick or you’re driving and experience these scary lows? What will you do if the baby needs you and you can’t be there because you didn’t take care of your blood sugar correctly?”
I didn’t have an answer. He was right. I needed to change.
(Side note: This isn’t to say high/lows can’t ever happen, but at this point we’d been experiencing this continually for 2 years.)
The next day, I took MY FIRST STEP towards change –
I booked a doctors appointment, which I had been avoiding for over a year, to find out the numbers that I had also been dreading for over a year. After seeing that high A1C and a getting stern talking to from my doctor, I left crying, but with a new resolve and a clear plan of action.
This led to MY SECOND STEP –
Improve my level of care. I set my follow up appointment before I even left the doctors office, and my doctor had already set about ordering me the newest (and very improved) Medtronic 670g Insulin Pump.
I need to be very clear here…THIS step is what made the difference for me.
This new insulin pump is incredibly intuitive and over time it has learned my body, so that it can accurately deliver insulin. It tells me my BG [Blood Glucose] trends, and I simply have to check my blood sugar twice a day to calibrate the pump and it does the rest! This obviously doesn’t include my own personal BG checks and I still need to carb count and bolus, but the background basal was LIFE CHANGING! Not to mention the accuracy of the new Transmitter/Sensors. I never wore my previous CGM [Continuous Glucose Monitor], because of its inaccuracy. This one is spot on.
Getting the latest and greatest in treatment options made the difference and was the catalyst for more change.
My Third Step –
Routine. It’s ironic that I am writing that word because I previously wrote a post about its importance. I became more regimented in my sleep, eating and exercise schedule. I started recording what I ate on an app to learn what my body was reacting to and to know what needed to be cut or changed. I learned that grain was having too much of an impact on the blood sugar spikes and decided to cut it (or I guess limit is a more accurate word) from my diet. I started running again, which months earlier could never have happened and it felt good.
I felt alive again. My mind was clearer and my goals were once again in site.
Now, it wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies after these changes. Physically I was doing better, but my poor control over the past two resulted in changes to my body that took adjustments. I also had more work to do mentally. As a direct result of properly taking care of myself, really for the first time since diagnosis, I started to gain weight. Which my doctor assured me was normal, but as a woman this was difficult. I started wondering about letting go a little bit and letting my body thin out from riding that line of poor BG control.
This time I said no. I voiced my concerns to Britt and he (once again) said something that woke me up to a new truth. He said,
“Are you controlling your blood sugar?” Yes. “Are you eating healthy?” Yes. “Are you exercising?” Yes. “Well have you ever thought that this is your new healthy? Maybe your body is finally telling you this is where you need to be to be healthy. I’m sure you feel like you can tone and that can happen, but this is your new healthy.”
Wiser words have never been spoken. Now, when I start to doubt the process and want to give up, I think of those words. Especially as we continue to try for a baby and knowing that my body MUST be in top shape for baby.
Through it all I’ve lost a lot, but I’ve also learned a lot about diabetes and gained even more understanding about myself. If I can do one thing from being vulnerable enough to tell this story, my hope is that, no matter what struggles you are experiencing, find what you want to fight for and find someone to encourage you through it. Please don’t waste two years like I did.
I’m also going to make a promise. A promise to share everything. The good and the bad. I won’t hide behind those bad and difficult parts of T1D, because those are just the reality of living with a chronic illness. My new goal is to share it all and hopefully do it with a few new friends along the way.
XO,
Allie
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